I almost feel bad...

I haven't told everyone everything there is to know about me. Luckily, one of my friends who apparently knows NOTHING about me and thinks I have NOTHING but time sent me this handy, dandy questionnaire. Seriously, if you don't already know these things about me, I plan to block you from my email as spam. You know who you are. (No, not you...HER) How many times do you plan to ask me what color my eyes are???

Regardless, I'm providing my responses one more time for those in the cheap seats...

1. WERE YOU NAMED AFTER ANYONE? Yes. The person who was born right before me. See, I’m almost sure we’ve done this before.

2. WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU CRIED? The moment I saw this email come across my screen.

3. DO YOU LIKE YOUR HANDWRITING. Yes, because it’s a secret code nobody else can decipher. Part of my plan for world domination.

4. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE LUNCH MEAT? I don’t have time to meet for lunch. Unless you’re buying.

5 . DO YOU HAVE KIDS? I admit nothing, deny everything and demand strict proof.

6. IF YOU WERE ANOTHER PERSONWOULD YOU BE FRIENDS WITH YOU? Uh, no, I’m a huge bitch.

7. DO YOU USE SARCASM A LOT? Never.

8. DO YOU STILL HAVE YOUR TONSILS? Yes. Now I hope you are able to make an educated decision about maintaining our friendship.

9. WOULD YOU BUNGEE JUMP? Yes. If a serial killer were running toward me. With a chainsaw. In the dark. And it was hailing. Cats.

10. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE CEREAL CALLED? Ted Bundy.

11. DO YOU UNTIE YOUR SHOES? Uh, no. how would they stay on my feet? That's a stupid question.

12. DO YOU THINK YOU ARE STRONG? Yes. Unless a serial killer is running toward me. With a chainsaw. In the dark. And it is hailing. Cats.

13. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE ICE CREAM? Whatever I can reach first.

14. WHAT IS THE FIRST THING YOU NOTICE ABOUT PEOPLE? This person is not Matthew McCaughnehey.

15. RED OR PINK? Call it whatever you want to call it as long as it comes out medium-rare.

16. WHAT IS THE LEAST FAVORITE THING ABOUT YOURSELF? My inability to open up to you.

17. WHOM DO YOU MISS THE MOST? My ex-husband. But my aim is improving.

18. DO YOU WANT EVERYONE TO SEND THIS BACK TO YOU? Yes. I need to know what color every one of my friends would be so I can see if combined, we make a complete package.

19. WHAT COLOR PANTS AND SHOES ARE YOU WEARING? No.

20. WHAT WAS THE LAST THING YOU ATE? My words.

21. WHAT ARE YOU LISTENING TO RIGHT NOW? Voices in my head...

22. IF YOU WHERE A CRAYON, WHAT COLOR WOULD YOU BE? White...pure and innocent, like the driven snow...

23. FAVORITE SMELLS? Happy hour.

24. WHO WAS THE LAST PERSON YOU TALKED TO ON THE PHONE? I haven’t been able to take any calls due to the pressing urgency of getting this information disseminated.

25. DO YOU LIKE THE PERSON WHO SENT THIS TO YOU? No. How could I like someone who wants to be a gray crayon???

26. FAVORITE SPORTS TO WATCH? Men’s beach volleyball—this has not changed, nor do I expect it to.

27. HAIR COLOR? If you don’t know this about me, I don’t want to be your friend any longer.

28. EYE COLOR? See #27

29. DO YOU WEAR CONTACTS? No, I have them all in my Blackberry.

30 FAVORITE FOOD? Chicken fajita enchiladas, little caesars pizza, Pearl’s crab dip, spinozi’s entire menu, charleston’s filet, melting pot’s chicken (but only after I cook it), shrimp cocktail, All American Pizza, chips and queso, chips and salsa, Guacamole Live, beer (yes, it is), vegas bombs (yes, they are), garlic mashed potatoes, Texas roadhouse ranch dressing, my chili, my gumbo, anything pearl’s serves come to think of it, strawberries, peaches, grapes, Caesar salad, 100 calorie pack hostess chocolate cupcakes, clam chowder, potato and shrimp soup, Paula Deen’s seafood dip, Pizza Hut’s pizza, the entire breakfast buffet at Hometown Buffet, chili dogs, chili cheese fries and OMIGOSH, have you ever had the breakfast burrito at taco bueno???? (Not you Tina, sit down.) Mexican pizza with sour cream, steak soft tacos, chili cheese burritos, chik filet sandwiches, chick filet waffle fries dipped in mayonnaise, olive garden’s salad, hideaway fried mushrooms, cheese enchiladas, Interurban’s chicken fajita nachos, Buffalo Wild Wings with Wild sauce on them, big macs (I know Kelli, hold the onions), Egg McMuffin with folded egg, BJ Brewhouse’s Pizookie (white chocolate & macadamia nut), BJ brewhouse’s wings, and their Caesar salad is the best ever (yes it is), BJ Brewhouse’s pizza, omigosh it is so good, AMC theatres nachos (you’re welcome, Tina), and, last but not least, body shots off Matthew McCaughnehey. In that order.

31. SCARY MOVIES OR HAPPY ENDINGS? Can’t think about this—still thinking about the McCaughnehey thing...

32. LAST MOVIE YOU WATCHED AT MOVIE THEATER? I have no idea. Did I mention the nachos???

33. WHAT COLOR SHIRT ARE YOU WEARING? White. Or black. I can’t tell, still thinking about the McCaughnehey thing...

34. SUMMER OR WINTER? The calendar says it’s still summer. You’re welcome.

35. HUGS OR KISSES? Again, body shots off Matth....you get the picture.

36. FAVORITE DESSERT? Again, body shots off Matth....you get the picture.

37. MOST LIKELY TO RESPOND? The person who is planning to get the least amount of work done today

38. LEAST LIKELY TO RESPOND? My friend who is actually working

39. WHAT BOOK ARE YOU READING? 1001 Ways to Get Matthew McCaughnehey to Notice You’re Alive

40. WHAT IS ON YOUR MOUSE PAD? Is this a trick question?

41. WHAT DID YOU WATCH ON T.V.? The infomercial for 1001 Ways to Get Matthew McCaughnehey to Notice You’re Alive

42. FAVORITE SOUND? Happy hour.

43. ROLLING STONES OR TOBY KEITH? Seriously??? These geriatric goofy looking jackasses are my only options???

44. WHAT IS THE FURTHEST YOU HAVE BEEN FROM WHERE YOU ARE NOW? I experienced a brief moment of sanity on December 17, 2004.

45. DO YOU HAVE A SPECIAL TALENT? Yes

46. WHERE WERE YOU BORN? I was hatched from a pod on the planet Zermiacot. Yes I was.

47. WHOSE ANSWERS ARE YOU LOOKING FORWARD TO GETTING BACK? Matthew McCaughnehey’s...I used method # 768 from #39 above. I hope this doesn’t get me thrown in jail...

I am CRAAAAANNNKYYYYYYY

No clue why, just saying it like it is. Actually, I have lots of reasons, most of which I will not mention. If you know me, then you know why. If you don't, there's a reason you don't. Nothing personal, but I don't blog for a reason.

Right now, the number one reason I am cranky is because I am irritated with my husband. Seriously, the guy passive-aggressively bitches and moans when I come home and haven't bothered to call and ask if I can bring anything. He goes out--nothing. Ass.

Then, get this: for those of you who haven't heard, he had shoulder surgery. Yeah, wahhhh, I know, I've heard the, "Poor S---" line (name not revealed to protect the innocent. I mean ass.) He woke up, so qwitcherbitchin is what I say. He can sit around and do nothing all day and it's NO BIG DEAL. Unless he wants to do something, in which case he does it. But can he put the dishes in the dishwasher? Can he run a load of laundry? Can he put the ironing board up? Uh, that would be a big, fat, resounding NO. But when I come through and do it? All of a sudden, he's Mr. Helpful. "Need any help?" Uh, no, ASS. Help would have been doing it BEFORE I HAD TO DO IT.

All this crap, and I STILL don't understand what the purpose behind a blog is. If there is anyone out there in Bloggervillelandtown who can please explain to me whyyyyyyyyy I should have a blog, that'd be just fab. It'd just be wondermous. I would sit in rapt attention and listen to your explanation with the most open of minds. Actually, please come explain it to my husband. If he can't do anything else, at very least he can sit there on his butt and listen. To somebody besides me that is, because I am NOT talking to him.

A moment of silence for my friend R. He is currently the only person I am not irritated with. Well, there are others, but if I list them all, the ones with whom I AM irritated would be able to easily spot themselves and if I think the relationship is being tested now, just wait until they figured out I'm talking about them to complete strangers...I digress...

My friend R...God bless him, just dumped his chick. Rightfully so, mind you, but I just don't want this to put him off the womens forever, you know? He seemed really happy. For a minute. Maybe she had shoulder surgery too... *sigh* Poor R...come hang Saturday night on The Farm. We'll help you get through it.

I seriously hate everyone today. Except for you. And you. You both know who you are.

To anyone who might care: I have not smoked in 1 year, 9 months and 25 days. I deserve a cake. For those of you who know me, you get the cake reference. For those of you who don't, again I say: I don't blog. If I wanted you to know, you would.

I heard that. You say I'm a bitch like it's a bad thing. It's not. Sometimes it's fun, sometimes it's necessary, sometimes I can't help it. I'll know tomorrow which one today is.

P.S. If any of you ever have any problems with your Hammock.com order, I would not recommend talking to Bryan. Ask for Nicole. If you ever need to know, then that's good information. If you don't, then all the better for you. Ciao.

I have nothing to say...

...but I suspect in Dr. H's eyes, this would not be a good enough reason to not post something to my blog. So, here I am.

My daughter (pictured above, four years ago) (and yes, I am in denial) has been gone to her dad's house for 14 days. Read: I have not seen my daughter in 14 days. That's a loooooong time. And I won't see her for another 16 days. It's going to be a long summer.

That, right above? Is the reason why divorce sucks. Make no mistake, I do not regret divorcing my lying, cheating, self-absorbed ex-husband. I just miss my daughter. I guess I miss him too. But my aim is getting better...hee hee hee...okay, that was just a joke...

For those wondering

Yes, my husband did wake up from the anesthesia. Nobody was more surprised than he was. I expect those who know us will be victimized by the entire story repeatedly in the near future.

Now that we have our new air conditioner, I am on a mission to make all the upgrades/repairs we have been putting off the six years we have owned this house. One of these repairs is replacing our fence. Does anybody have any idea how RIDICULOUSLY EXPENSIVE fence is???

I've had two quotes: $3,545 and $3,250. As a result, my husband demands (and has been reduced to begging) he be allowed to replace the fence himself.

Uh, do you mean the same fence we've been saying needs to be replaced for six years? The same fence on which you replace pickets on an as-needed basis, which is determined solely by you? The same fence which I waited four years for you and Matt (yes, his real name) to finish installing the gate? The same fence you use as an excuse to keep your dirty, nasty dog inside my clean house because you're afraid it will fall down, and have been afraid for four years????

No.

Home Ownership: Don't Believe the Hype

Can I say, for the record, how much it sucks to be a homeowner today? For me?

Yesterday I told my husband something is wrong with our air conditioner and he immediately said something intelligent and educated. I believe it was, "Nuh-uh." (A moment here to note how irritating I find it to be when I am RIGHT about something and my husband immediately dismisses me. And no, I do not want to discuss the time I swore someone had stolen my car, only to remember it was on the other side of the mall. That could happen to anyone.)

I digress...

So I immediately countered with significant evidence that indeed, there was a problem with our air conditioner. First, the thermostat was programmed for 74 and the temperature was reading 83 inside the house. Now, while I have no aversion to a warm house, when I want something done my way, well...that's what I want. Second, the air conditioner had been running the entire day for several days.

Offering scientific evidence as I had, I assume case closed. But oh no...my husband then wanted to know how I could presume to say the AC ran all day when I had not in fact been home the entire day. I replied he hadn't been home the entire day so he couldn't prove I was wrong. He went outside then to drink a beer, smoke a cigarette and bang his head against his car. I hope it hurt.

Since he gave up so easily, I called my friend who works for a local AC company and asked/begged/bribed him to come over and look at the stupid, traitorous AC. He did, and guess what? I was RIGHT!!!

It will cost me $2,000 to be right. So, today, for me, it sucks to be a homeowner. And to be right, now that I think about it...